Hmm. So I got chewed out by someone I don’t even know for leaving a nice comment on my ex’s fiancee’s meme thing about them. (Oh my god, Shaun is engaged!!! *flails and squeals* :3) It was actually a pretty nice comment. Telling her how cute they are together and how happy I am for them. And I really am. Oo I don’t see why it was a problem. I mean, a healthy, steady relationship would not be shaken by the re-emergence of an old face, would it?

I’m trying to put myself in her place. If an ex of Jon’s came back around to tell me how great we looked together.. I think I’d blush and thank her. I think the worst part of your love having an ex is the pressure of never having met them. I mean, they could tell you that it meant nothing to them or that you mean more, but you’ll never really know who that person is until you meet them, right? You wonder if they’re gazing longingly at them while you’re hanging on their arm. Or.. if that person still pines for them. Or worse- both things are happening and both individuals then reunite romantically.

Hey, everyone that knows me knows that that would never happen. I learned my lesson going out with Shaun the first (and-second-and-third-and-how-many-times-did-we-break-up-and-get-back-together-in-the-end??) time around. There will never be another time. We’re completely wrong for one another. He wants different things than I do, and I mean- we broke up. Obviously, we weren’t meant for one another. Come on. O_o Well, he dumped me because he got freaked out about commitment. Then, I cried my eyes out for 6 hours straight and we got back together later that night. (Bad bad bad. Never, ever, ever ever get back with someone who breaks up with you. >< )

He asked for space, but I was so desperate to be with him- and he was so high strung about being apart.. That that really didn’t work. o_o Heh. I went to visit him at work a week later after contemplating a lot of things the night before. Including a raid on my medicine cabinet. Again. (I can’t believe I was ever that weak.) I actually went there to break up with him. I left a little note in his backpack that said, “ Please don’t ever forget about me.” Heh. Heartbroken little kid. ;3 As I was leaving, he said that we had to talk. I don’t remember all of the details, but he broke up with me again.

A part of me wonders what would have happened if I actually had the guts to break up with him that day. Would the roles have reversed sooner? Or would we actually have healed better? I honestly don’t think I would have been able to stick with it, though. At the time, I just remember that it was the most horrible feeling in the world to me. I try not to think too much on those days- instead, if I do, I think of it like a movie. I watch it and do my best not to connect with it.

All I remember is crying. A lot. It was nonstop. I mean, for a good month, I’d just burst into tears whenever I thought about it. Which.. was nonstop. e_e My god, I was a dumb kid. So my friends tried to do things to distract me from things. (During that month, by the way, we ended up getting together and breaking up.. a lot. There was even a time or two when we were in this gray area. I didn’t know that he considered us “broken up” while I considered us “together”.. yeah, it was bad. I was so desperate that I even told him I’d be willing to be friends with benefits, but I soon realised that I’d never, ever, ever want to degrade myself in that way. I mean, we never slept together or anything, so what was I expecting? Seriously.) After I confessed to Arron, Jon, and Kevin what I had tried to do with the Tylenol PM one night, they were hell-bent on keeping me distracted.

Arron and I went on non-dates as a joke. He took me to Burger King or Arby’s or something and I told him that it was the best date I’d ever been on. Then, as we were leaving, I made him promise me a wedding at White Castle. And so, he promised. I had never laughed so hard. :3 Funny thing is, that Burger King is just down the road now from Jon’s parents’ house. I pass it with a laugh every time I drive over to visit.

Jeremy, Steph, and I went out on “girl’s night out”s. A good time was had by all. *laugh* We’d go to restaurants and tell them that it was Jeremy’s birthday. We got a picture with Jer (the hot stud with a sombrero on and his arms around two smiling girls) and toasted (coca cola) to our independence from significant others. Jer and I went through relationship hardships together. He and Keiko were sort of breaking up at the time, so we both felt it. Of course, he wasn’t crying every five seconds like I was. So he decided to shake my chair every so often, when I’d get quiet, and yell obnoxiously about something. In a weird way, it worked. I didn’t think about the breakup as much, which significantly lowered the crying time spent. It was.. annoying as hell, but it worked. Though, things got bad when I posted the picture of Jeremy, Steph, and I on my journal. Shaun thought that I was just trying to make him jealous and admitted to me that he almost did the same in retaliation. I.. definitely didn’t do it for that reason. Just as I was starting to make a move toward moving on, I ended up regressing back to being a pitiful, sobbing mess.

I started talking to Jon a lot more and tried to get him to hang out with me as much as possible. Honestly, I had had this little kid’s crush on him since 6th grade- ever since I found out about him liking Star Wars. (And my god, he was cute. Especially back then. Anime hair. T___T) Though, I was loyal to Shaun, so I didn’t think about that whole thing. Jon, Arron, and I happened to go to the same campus so occasionally, we’d run off and go on adventures down Route 38. Oh man, we had good times. When Jon wasn’t around, there was a kid- John Mick from my Philosophy class.. John, Arron, and I had the best time ever. John and I don’t really talk anymore, but he was awesome. In the end, he was breaking up with his serious girlfriend, too.

I needed something to keep me busy and distracted so I wouldn’t go crazy. So Arron and I decided that we needed to break Jon out of his shell. It became my goal in life. Jon and I already played AO together online. We had actually become friends (sort of) back in our senior year of high school. I was friends with his friends, and we got along pretty well. There are times that I wish Shaun and I had only dated briefly and accepted our inability to continue in a practical way where we could make a life together. (I don’t think there’s any point in going out with someone unless you’re planning to make it permanent. Dating. Blech.) Or that we had never gone out at all. That when I arrived on his doorstep in July (oh my god, I forgot our anniversary date.. Haha. I think it was.. the 28th? My little cousin’s birthday? Maybe. I just know that it was around my birthday).. probably on.. the 21st or so.. That we had all gone out, just as planned- and ditched Cameron, just like we did. But instead of telling Shaun that there was a chance and that he should go for it, Arron would have just stayed quiet.

Without Arron, I don’t think he would have ever been forward enough for us to start going out. I mean, if Arron had told him something else like.. that he was interested, which he was at the time. (But I don’t think that he would have ever acted on it.) Maybe Shaun and Arron would have been there just to help me break up with Cameron and that’s it. Then, maybe I could have gone with Shaun or Arron to my JDD as friends- and to the prom with Jon.

And maybe down the line, I could have helped pushed Shaun toward relationships. He was probably destined to be with his fiancée, and I was only an unnecessary milestone along the way. I could have been a friend. He could have been my second Arron. Arron, whom I love and adore as one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Though, nothing has ever happened between us. (And never will.) We’re too good as friends. I think that Shaun and I being best friends was right. We always felt right together- but maybe not together. It’s taken years and a few steps back to realise this.

The reason why it affects me so much is not that I have trouble forgetting him as “my Shaunlish” but more because our friendship being in the hibernation that it’s in just.. doesn’t feel right to me. I mean, I can’t speak for him. Maybe this really is the best thing for him. I’ll admit that. But maybe this just is because it’s the easiest option. I mean, we didn’t always submit to the easiest option. (Otherwise, I’d have gotten back with him and remained friends with Jon. Shaun was by far the easier option, but I took a huge risk and started a relationship with Jon, whom I was so afraid of because he was immensely different from Shaun, whom I was accustomed to.) I just hope that us keeping our distance isn’t because it’s just easier this way. I mean, we admitted the last time that there was no way that either of us was ready to be friends just yet- even me, who initiated the meeting. I think I am ready now, though. Especially now that I’ve seen her as a real, talented, caring person. I didn’t even feel a twinge. Just relief.

Is that really it or is it his famous wiping the slate clean and starting over because having something too close and too long term is just too scary? I mean, in the end, he sabotaged our relationship- then our friendship. Though, he wasn’t the only saboteur, he was the one who did it intentionally. (I didn’t help, you know.. being myself and all. Hah.) I like to mend wounds while he often ran away when he got bit. I’m sure he’s probably not the same way now- I hope not. Especially if he’s engaged now. Oh my goddd, when we went out, I never imagined him ever proposing to me. (I should have seen something wrong with that right then and there, shouldn’t I?) So it always made me wonder what it’d be like. I hope it was as magical and perfect as he always wanted it to be. :3 Like a scene out of a sappy movie.

I remember when Shaun broke off our friendship after a month of breakups. Unbeknownst to him, the morning after, I woke up exhilarated. For a good while until he came back to try and mend things back up (because he found out about me hanging out with Jon more which was nothing more than platonic at the time- at least on my end), I was the happiest, most sing-songy girl ever. I mean, all of my guildmates were confused with the 360. *laugh* Ross, my older brother type, and I pondered the wonders of getting a karaoke machine. I mean, yeah. I think finally, I realised that without a boyfriend, that I wouldn’t feel compelled to wait up every night for him to log on from a late night with his friends just to say goodnight. I wouldn’t have to force unnatural conversation with him exactly how he wanted me to. (I was shy, though. And he actually told me that he wanted me to ask him about his day, ask him about this or that or the other thing, etc. Which I jokingly call his “training” of me.) He was a bit controlling toward the end. Like, how we never actually fought during our 3 year relationship. It was always me prostrating and begging for forgiveness- even if I felt justified that I was right. No matter what, I’d always feel that I was wrong when he started his argument.

But he was a good guy. I was too submissive, and after too long in that kind of situation, most people would probably do the same thing. I mean, how great is it to have someone who worships the ground that you walk on? Jon and I worship one another, but it’s definitely a mutual thing. It’s different. It works for us. Because I went all psycho-don’t-step-on-me-or-I’ll-crush-your-balls-with-stilettos after the breakup. So now, having someone who’s submissive as well, which makes you feel horrible when you get mad.. It balances you out. (Raging psycho man-eater Diana never really came to life, thank gods.) I see myself in him and vice versa. Usually, opposites attract, but nobody should have to be in a situation when you’re never right. (Then again, nobody should ever put themselves there. I was ridiculous.)

Anyhow. When Shaun came back to be friends (this was still during the 3-month breakup phase), we talked about everything. We talked about how we were both struggling with rebound feelings for other people, trying to stifle our own jealousies. We tried to be the friends that we should have been. Unfortunately, neither of us knew how to be friends with one another. He was right. He said that from the start, but I didn’t want to believe him. He’s also the first one who said that things wouldn’t have worked out between us. He was right there, too.

Finally, he wanted to work things out. I should have told him right then that it was good for us to have space. It would have stomped out the fires right away. But no, I still wanted to be with him. (Dumb kid.)

So there was a lot of personal stuff that happened after that. Stuff that I did wrong that I wouldn’t want him sharing out of sheer embarrassment- and stuff that he did wrong that I won’t share for the same reasons. Let’s just say that we were both wrong. We both did strange (yes, strange) and hurtful things to one another that we only tolerated because of our relationship. I can’t really say what made us “together” or “apart” since we were not sexually active. Which is another reason why I think that our relationship was silly. I mean, a relationship isn’t validated by sex. I still keep Jon at arm’s length when it comes to that. (Poor guy.) But we considered words to be Earth-shattering. All that held our relationship together was us agreeing that we’re “going out” or that we’re “not going out.” We weren’t doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff like going out together anymore, so really, we were just friends who fought over our imaginations. A few words. o_o Yeah, that makes sense.

After a while, something happened that changed our situation. He started pursuing me, partly out of jealousy over Jon. Jon and I were just friends for a while, honestly. The more and more accusatory people got about us, the closer we got. It was nice having a safe friend that wouldn’t take advantage of my vulnerable state. =\ Sooo to make a long story short, there was a lot of friction because of Jon and my realisation that I was better off not going out with Shaun. Shaun thought that the two were related, but they weren’t until later. Once I admitted my feelings to Jon in words, it got even more complicated.

I just thought that he should know. I felt physically sick at the thought of being in a relationship, though. With anyone. It had stressed me out so much. (I actually went down to almost 85 lbs during this time, which is 15 under my normal-ish weight.) So the both of them were pulling at me by this point, which didn’t help. I knew that one of them was going to get hurt, and I was going to hurt for a very long time afterwords. Which was true. So to get my mind off of things, I went to Six Flags with Jon, Arron, and a few friends. On the way back, I get a call from Shaun that our bird, Blue, flew off. Blue’s disappearance brought us back together, but at the same time, I was freaked out that he was acting the way he was. (Not going into details on that.) We were both frantic in searching for her.

There were many jokes made by my friends to search Shaun’s house for a “locked room making bird noises”. Good times. I knew him better than that, though. Although honestly, there was a brief moment where I did listen for bird sounds. ><*

So essentially, for three months, we had an epic game of tug-o-war going on. Sometimes, one of us would forget to tug and make the other person topple over. Sometimes, we’d give up and both collapse. Sometimes, we’d just forget that we were playing tug-o-war and throw mud at one another. Heh. I think it’d be better if we just got it all out by throwing mud at one another. Literal mud. We’d just laugh it all out of our systems.

It was this horrible war that should have never happened. We’re the example I use for my friends during their breakups. People need time apart and completely away after a breakup in order to salvage any semblance of a relationship (platonic or romantic), especially with the serious ones. And I’m not even talking about dating other people. Nono, that’s just painful. But apart, learning to be oneself as a separate person before ever thinking about being a part of something again.

At times, too, I wish I had never met him.

He hated when I talked like that because we learn something from every one of our experiences. This lesson, though, was useless to me, and I didn’t need to learn it. It is pretty often that I wish this. And other times, I wish I could go back to our time back then and change things. Break it off with him, end on good terms. Or even tell him back then that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we would be better off as friends. We were just two kids with an overly-romantic mindset.

So yes. I told the story. The epic story without all of the extra details, like the people on both sides who were trying to tear us apart. These were people who didn’t understand the full situation and although entitled to their opinions, should never have had an effect on the outcome. Or said some of the things that they said without really knowing the other person. (Although, my guildmates did know him, so some of their comments were accurate. Not all of them though. e_e) Okay, so I said a word on the outside people. But it needed to be said. Really.

We met up a couple of years back and had a nice, long chat. He said that his friends would kill him if they found out about it. That stung, but I tried to avoid addressing it since I still don’t think I deserved that kind of judgment since all I’ve ever wanted was the best for him. I didn’t want to go back to the friend issue. Although, to me they’re the most horrible people in the world that judge someone who’s innocent of their awful, unjustified claims, I knew that he was friends with them for a reason. He needed them, and anything I said would only enflame situations again. Besides, I wasn’t going to assume about them like they had done to me. That’d be completely unfair. (Not that they’d care or anything because I’m apparently the devil. e.e)

We had a very good talk, for once. I didn’t melt upon seeing him either, nor him for me. It was great just chatting about where we were at the time. I told him about Jon and how great we were. He told me about moving out of the house finally and how he was sad that he’d miss his family. It was like the perfect hour or so out of a day. No fuss, no evil people- err, I mean friends whispering in our ears about the other person. Instead, we just spoke openly to one another as one another. I finally felt at peace with everything. For a good, long while it remained like that.

I lived my life completely separate from him, and I was happy. Then, I saw a meme by his fiancée, whom I didn’t know was his fiancée until I actually read it. (Actually, I thought that she was his girlfriend until the commenter corrected me. T__T Even hearing that didn’t phase me.) I happened to click on it and was shocked to see a little character that looked exactly like Shaun. And lo and behold, it was him! I read the meme with a smile slowly spreading over my face. He was happy- and he had made someone else happy. I was elated. I couldn’t help myself. I mean, it’s been about five years since things were over between us. I honestly thought that it was enough time that I could leave a well-wishing comment to the girl that’s captured his heart.

I know that she means more to him than I ever did, and I’m at peace with that. Talk about growth, huh? In fact, all I wanted to do for the rest of the night was curl up next to Jon and sleep. Jon and I will be married some day (soonish), and it will be the happiest day of my life. The only reason why I don’t have a ring is because when we had a problem with his job status, he just couldn’t afford one. T_T So now, I’ve agreed to wait until he has a real job. I mean, it’s supposed to be- what.. three months of pay that makes a good engagement ring? MUAHAHAHA.

.. No, really. I’m excited for it, nice ring or not.. (And Jon, dammit, you don’t have to impress my family. They accept you either way.) Heh. :3 But anyhow. This has become a really long rant. I just wanted to get everything out into the open. I really didn’t deserve the hostility of someone who obviously doesn’t know anything about me. Not that it matters. So long as Shaun and his fiancée understand how happy I am for them, that’s all that matters. This person almost made me believe that I had started some sort of chaos, but nothing has popped its little head out, so I guess it’s just the one person. ^^ It’s okay. Most people don’t understand that people do move on after a breakup. Also, apparently, this person believes that they have the right to rank one individual over another in importance. o_o As far as I know, nobody has that right.

Aaaaanyhow. <3 I’m happy. He’s happy. Our significant others are happy. I’m so excited about life. Finally, everyone’s okay. I figure this should be my very last post about the whole Shaun thing. I don't need to ever say any more than this. :3 Aaand really, this is all I really need to tell. XD Although it doesn't help that the original reason for the Amamae story was to help me through the breakup.. Though, after 5 years, it has a different feel to it. Sort of. Buuuut.. *tilts head* Eh, when and if I ever put the story up, I'll leave people to figure it out on their own- what actually happened and what was made up for the sake of the story. Hee. :3